Report: October Is Most Miserable Month Of The Year For Pets


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It’s almost time to go shopping for the perfect costume for your pets if you haven’t already. We adore looking at how cute our pets look, but how do they feel about it? The Pittsburgh Times set out to answer that question.

We surveyed 1,000 pets in the area and 98% of them said October was the most miserable month for them by far. 85% showed signs to their owners that they did no approve of costumes.

“They know I don’t like anything on my head. I really don’t understand what’s going on, but every year like clockwork they intend on making me uncomfortable.” said a local Labrador.

“I refused to stay still while she dressed me. For some reason she just didn’t get the hint. I’m not saying my owner is a cat abuser, but this is pretty close to abuse.” said Jake, a local Manx cat.

We set out to get a statement from owners, but we are still awaiting comment.

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Report: Anxiety Doubles Every Second Elevator Doors Are Closed

Photo: Kio Stark linking to
Photo: Kio Stark linking to

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Every day millions of Americans ride elevators. A local professor dug deeper to see how they effect our minds.

Carnegie Mellon professor and psychologist, Dr. Ron Williams conducted a study that showed that elevator anxiety doubles every half of second. A device was connected to people on elevators that measured their heart rate, blood pressure, breaths, and palm sweat.  “Ten seconds showed to be the limit where the human psyche breaks down waiting for the elevator doors to open.” said Dr. Williams.

Dr. Williams showed us video of the experiment. After ten seconds of waiting for the door to open the video shows a man curled up and weeping in the fetal position.

“After about five seconds I can feel myself breaking down. I’ve never been stuck on an elevator, but I never know when my time will come.” said Liz Hodges, a local office manager.

Elevators seem to be here to stay and will continue to have a negative impact on people’s minds.

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Report: 95% Of Black People Lie About Racism

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Race has been a hot button issues in the United States for some time now. Most of the people who complain about racism are minorities. We set out to see if black people can really be trusted.

We went to ten cities in the United States to ask people if there was racism where they lived. The results were shocking.

In all of the cities 4,034 black were surveyed and 95% of them said racism existed. Most of them said they experienced it at least twice a week.

We set out to the countryside to ask white people, a specific demographic of whites. Our goal was to find an Uncle Chuck in the suburbs of all 10 cities who didn’t know more than one black person. All the Uncle Chucks around the cities stated racism didn’t exist.

We found Uncle Chuck to be the most unbiased reference because he didn’t have any black people to sway his opinion.

“We have a black president. Racism ended in 2008. I have never seen it in my town. I haven’t met all the blacks who live here, but when I see one in public no one screams n*gger to their face.” said Chuck Ailes from Houston, PA.

Phone calls were placed to get a comment from the  NAACP, but our calls have not been returned.

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Man Always Disappointed Because He Hates Bad Roads And Construction


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PITTSBURGH PA— There has been a lot of construction throughout the city, and it has caused drivers misery. A local driver can’t win with or without the construction.

“I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place. I hate the messed up roads, but I also hate the traffic construction causes.” says area driver Todd Jeffries.

He isn’t the only one complaining. Drivers  aren’t happy with the roads in and around the city. Many blame vehicle repairs on crumbling roads.

“I’m pretty sure I have to get new shocks more often than when I lived in Oregon. I’m not sure what I want anymore because construction sucks.” said Megan Reese.

Jefferies went on to comment about how he is always in a state of depression and will probably never be happy.

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Local Dogs Untrusting of Michael Vick Until They Sniff His Crotch


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PITTSBURGH, PA — Steeler fans have received Michael Vick with mixed emotions, but what do local dogs think? We tried to answer that very question.

“I know humans can change, but I really can’t be sure until I get my nose deep in there to see what sent he gives off.” said Chase, a Labrador from the South Side.

“I’m very cynical of this guy Vick. I have no understanding of football, just the excitement my owner shows when it’s on. Did he change? There’s only one way to find out.” said Dover, a Boston Terrier from Squirrel Hill.

“I didn’t see one human sniff his crotch, it’s mind boggling! How do they know this guy’s character?” said Daisy, a Boxer from Wilkinsburg.

I’m sure the Steeler fans will warm up to Vick as time goes on, but will he ever win the trust of the city’s dogs?

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Cardiologist Looking Forward to McDonald’s Moving Into Hospital


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PITTSBURGH, PA— A McDonald’s is moving into a local hospital, and a cardiologist is welcoming it with open arms.

“This will be a good opportunity for our residents to train. McDonald’s will help us keep a steady stream of patients coming through the doors.” said cardiologist Dr. Rebecca Lane

In hospitals around the country there is fast-food. “It’s a genius business move on their part. People have to be sick for your hospital to have revenue.” said economist Brandon Roberts.

“It’s a win-win situation. People get to enjoy eating and we get to enjoy fixing them afterwards.” said Dr. Lane

Dr. Lane further commented on how she doesn’t eat at McDonald’s because of the effects it has on your heart, but she’s glad someone gets to enjoy the food.

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PITT Student Distracted In Class By Woman’s Flip Flops


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PITTSBURGH, PA – A local PITT student thought it was going to be a normal semester, and then he heard a peculiar sound.

“I was just sitting in my physics class when I heard this flopping sound that broke the silence. I looked up and it was a woman getting up to go to the bathroom wearing flip flops.” said PITT student James Richards.

At colleges all around the country there have been reports of students disrupting classes with the sound of their flip flops. College presidents are scrambling to solve the problem.

“I’m aware that it is a problem. I hear them all around campus. We are looking into measures to ban them all together.” says Carl Struthers, Chancellor of PITT.

“They’re the most comfortable shoes I have, it’s almost like wearing nothing. I don’t plan to stop wearing them anytime soon.” said flip flop wearer Chelsea Wall.

The students across campus have started a pro-flip-flop group ‘Don’t ‘F’ With Our Flops’ to make sure they don’t get banned. They meet every Wednesday to discuss ways to make sure their interest are fulfilled. “At the end of the day it’s about freedom of choice. Are they going to ban windbreaker pants next?” said group organizer Gale Frost.

We will keep you updated on this story.

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Donald Trump Hires NASA To Design Largest Wall On Earth For Border

Paul Morigi—WireImage/Getty Images
Paul Morigi—WireImage/Getty Images

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WASHINGTON, DC — One of the most significant topics for Republicans is the U.S. – Mexico border. Donald Trump has taken a step to prove he is serious to try and win voters over.

“We haven’t seen support like this in some time. During our meeting with Trump this was the most enthusiastic I’ve ever seen any politician about any NASA project.” says NASA engineer Ian Wright.

“This is the best place to put this country’s resources. The Great Wall of China will see what it means to be American. The Chinese and Mexicans are in fact going to help build it.” says Trump.

There are reports of plans to have to buy construction workers oxygen masks later for project because of the planned height of the wall. 

“Mexico is going to pay billions of dollars. Hopefully it will create jobs to improve living conditions there, so they will stay there.” says Trump adviser Adam Hall.

NASA is has seen funding dwindle and had to slow projects, for example, that keep an eye on potential apocalyptic asteroids, but they have seen increased support from members of congress for talks of building the border wall.

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Eminem Hasn’t Eaten Spaghetti In Over 20 Years After The ‘Mom’s Spaghetti’ Incident

EDITORIAL USE ONLY / NO MERCHANDISING Mandatory Credit: Photo by Brian J. Ritchie/Hotsauce/REX (3377233ce) Eminem 'The Jonathan Ross Show' TV Programme, London, Britain - 15 Nov 2013
Photo by Brian J. Ritchie/Hotsauce/REX (3377233ce)

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We all know of the line in Eminem’s 2002 hit song ‘Lose Yourself’ where he talks about the incident where he vomited his mom’s spaghetti on his sweater. Eminem recently opened up about how it effected him.

“I just have a real cynical approach to pasta now. It’s not even just spaghetti, it’s all pasta.” said the multi-platinum rapper.

“We go out to restaurants and Em’ cringes at the site of spaghetti on the menu. One time I ordered spaghetti sitting next to him and he spazzed the fuck out at me, and then stormed out of the restaurant.” said Bizarre, a member of the rap group D12 and long time Eminem friend.

Eminem further commented on how spaghetti brings back memories of the nervousness he felt before that famous rap battle that he later went on to win.

There are talks of possible therapy within Eminem’s circle to try to heal this old wound.

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Ronda Rousey January Fight Being Shown Exclusively Through A Vine


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Ronda Rousey is arguably one of the best fighters to ever do it with the record of ending a fight in 14 seconds. She is amazing to watch, but she leaves many viewers feeling uneasy who take up the Pay Per View tab for fights less than a minute. Vine is looking to solve that problem.

“We have listened to our users and this is what they want. Our company is confident that Rousey’s next fight will be less than 6 seconds.” Vine Vice President Mark Owens said.

Rousey fans are excited for the news. “I really love watching her. Now I can sit there and watch the entire fight over and over in with the excitement of a loop. I’m sure it will never get old.” MMA fan Sarah Smith said.

Her next fight is scheduled for January 2nd against Holly Holm. This is expected to be one of the most watched Vines ever.

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